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Post by pantah on Sept 10, 2020 11:46:16 GMT
Apparently that's me now a forum God. To celebrate my high status here's a god joke. Feel free to add yours, old or new. Actually, there are probably no new jokes.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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Post by elnoodle the reasonable on Sept 10, 2020 13:36:16 GMT
Non PC Scottish cuisine based joke warning!
Gay guy goes into the butcher's and says "can I have a mince round please?"
Butcher says "aye but hurry up, we close in 10 minutes...."
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Post by Diego the toe clipper on Sept 10, 2020 15:09:56 GMT
I tried to give blood yesterday.
Fuck that. Never again. Too many questions:
Whose blood is it? How did I get it? Why is it in a bucket....
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Post by Droog on Sept 10, 2020 16:32:35 GMT
Not a joke person myself but the only joke I know that made me laugh is:
How do you get a fat bird out of bed? Piece of cake.
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Post by Diego the toe clipper on Sept 10, 2020 16:44:00 GMT
One of my all time favourites:
Four people in a train carriage. A young slim blonde, an elderly lady, an Englishman and a Frenchman.
Train goes into a tunnel and there are no lights.
In the darkness a loud SLAP is heard and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his reddened face.
The elderly lady thinks to herself: that Frenchman tried to make a move on that nice young lady and she whacked him, good on her!
The young blonde thinks to herself: that Frenchman tried to make a move on me but got that old lady by mistake and she whacked him, good on her!
The Frenchman is thinking to himself: that English scumbag tried to make a move on that young blonde in the dark and she lashed out and hit me by mistake.
The Englishman is thinking to himself: please let there be another tunnel so I can smack that Frenchman again.
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Post by pantah on Sept 11, 2020 17:09:39 GMT
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Post by mekon on Sept 11, 2020 17:30:52 GMT
What did the mongol say to his dog?
Down Syndrome.
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Post by Eddie The Bastard on Sept 11, 2020 19:03:11 GMT
What did the mongol say to his dog? Down Syndrome. That takes me back decades. |
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Post by mekon on Sept 11, 2020 19:19:59 GMT
Back to the Deacon days.
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Post by spentcase on Sept 15, 2020 15:49:55 GMT
An elderly Yorkshire couple go on holiday to Benidorm and pack one suitcase of clothes and another of Uk food products.
The old lady is unpacking the food; marmite, mellow birds, hp sauce etc when she gets to the bottom of the case and declares,
"Eeeh, our Sidney, thas forgot t'pack t'Bisto!"
So Sid rummages around in the case and says, "Thas right, y'know, there's no Bisto, what're we to do?!"
"I know!" pipes up the old biddy, "There's an English family just arrived over t'corridor, I 'eard em speakin', go and ask em if they've any Bisto."
So Sidney goes across the corridor and knocks on the door. A sunburnt bloke with a pair of union jack shorts opens the door and Sidney asks-
"Ast thee any Bisto?"
To which the other bloke replies, "Piss off, you Spanish bastard!"
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Post by elnoodle the reasonable on Sept 15, 2020 23:24:24 GMT
An Englishman is touring the Scottish Highlands in his classic sports car when he breaks down. With no phone signal, he's fucked until he spots a light on in a distant cottage so he starts walking. When he reaches the cottage he knocks the door and it's opened by a 7-foot highlander. Kilt, no shirt, forest of orange hair, the works. "Aye? Can ah help ye?" He yelled.
In the poofiest fucking accent you've ever heard, the Englishman goes "ew hellew. Eye've bwoken dine. Cewd eye yoos yewer phewne?"
"Eh? Broaken doon? Come awa' in an' avail yersel' ae wur famous highland hospitality. Ah'll git ma daughter Morag tae rustle up some supper and fix ye a bed. Ye can git yir motor fixed the morn. MORAG! Wu've goat a guest! Mon through an' avail um ae wur famous highland hospitality."
Morag appears and she is utterly gorgeous. "Ah'll fix ye some supper and a bed an' avail ye ae wur famous highland hospitality."
As the tourist was eating his supper, the enormous highlander got up. "Morag. Ah'm awa' tae milk the coos. Mind an' avail oor guest ae wur famous highland hospitality." And off he fucked carrying 2 massive steel buckets.
No sooner had he left and the Englishman thought "I'm trying my luck with Morag" and he set about using some of the advanced seduction techniques he'd learned during his time in Glasgow.
An hour later the highlander returned and opened the door to see the Englishman pumping his beloved Morag on the cottage floor. He turned purple with rage and dropped the buckets of milk which cascaded across the stone floor. He roared "EFTER IVRIHIN' AH'VE TELT YE ABOOT WUR FAMOUS HIGHLAND HOSPITALITY AN' THIS IS HOW YE REPAY ME???"
"ARCH YER BACK LASSIE AN' LIFT THAT MAN'S BAWS AFF THE CAULD FLAIR!!!"
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Post by spentcase on Sept 16, 2020 7:11:58 GMT
There's a wrestler (1970s Saturday morning live from Crewe town hall type, not American WWE) and anyway, he's due to fight the champion who is called 'The Terrible Turk.'
Now the Terrible Turk is champion for a reason, he's never been beaten and has submitted all of his opponents with his dastardly finishing move called 'The Turkish Delight.'
So on the day of the fight, the wrestler is walking out to the ring and his manager is telling him, "Stay out of range and tire him out, and whatever happens, don't let him put you in the Turkish Delight. If he puts you in that then it's all over."
So the fight starts and within 10 seconds the Terrible Turk has put the wrestler in the Turkish Delight and the poor guy is bent all over the shop.
The manager throws up his arms in resignation, spins on his heal and heads off to the dressing room.
Half way to the dressing room, the manager hears a blood-curdling scream and turns around to see the Terrible Turk sparked out with his boy pinning him down and winning the contest.
The manager runs in to the ring and says, "That's amazing! You beat the Terrible Turk, no ones ever done that! But how did you get out of the Turkish Delight?"
"Well." Says the wrestler, "Before I knew what was happening, he had me in the Turkish Delight and I didn't know which way was up, or which way was down. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted this set balls, so I bit them as hard as I could!"
"So that's how you beat the Terrible Turk?" Asks the manager.
"Yes," Says the wrestler, "It's amazing how much strength you get when you bite your own plums!"
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Post by Diego the toe clipper on Oct 22, 2020 10:19:21 GMT
Why do divers fall backwards from the side of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat!
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Post by pantah on Nov 17, 2020 9:55:02 GMT
A man says to wife, “Did you know, the milkman’s had it off with everyone’s wife in the street except one?”
His wife replies, “I bet it that’s stuck up cow at number 52!”
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Post by elnoodle the reasonable on Dec 9, 2020 22:32:18 GMT
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