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Post by elnoodle the reasonable on May 24, 2021 20:12:32 GMT
That I should want to be there with you
It's only natural
That you should feel the same way, too
So sang drunken antipodean thugs, Crowded House, 30 years ago. Their music may have been lightweight but given half a chance they'd kick your cunt fully in and stamp on your face as you lay on the ground begging for your teeth back.
Inter-human violence aside, the natural world has many astounding sights and sounds. I'm fortunate to work in the north of Scotland a fair bit and on my many journeys up the A9, I never fail to spot golden eagles, red kites, ospreys and the like. One of the most amazing aspects of these birds is the sheer fucking size of them. If you're ever lucky enough to see one up close, it will take your breath away as it swoops over you with a wingspan marginally wider than the car you're driving.
Today was quite special. On my drive north, I was looking skyward around Invergordon as there are red kites there that I have spotted a few times before. I noticed a large and small bird flying together quite erratically. After a second or two I recognised the larger bird and realised that what I was actually witnessing was aerial combat between a predator and its prey. The smaller bird was twisting and turning and doing everything in its power to escape the dinner plate. Its hunter never looked like losing control of the situation. Staying above its feathered takeaway, giving it the odd kick or peck, tiring it out before ending its torment.
I've seen loads of these birds but I'd never seen a live airborne hunt and it was a fucking incredible experience. Up there with hanging out with elephants in Thailand.
Share your very own nature tales you massive cunts.
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Post by mekon on May 24, 2021 20:40:59 GMT
I was out cycling once and saw a brutal magpie ruckus. This one cunt of magpie had the other on it's back and was pecking into it's chest like an absolute bastard. I broke it up and they both flew off but it wouldn't have surprised me if the victim died in a field shortly after as it was proper savaging.
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Post by elnoodle the reasonable on May 24, 2021 20:50:58 GMT
Saw a seagull murder a pigeon outside my office one morning. 8.30, across from Central station. Street was mobbed with folk going to work. Left it in the middle of the road with a hole where its heart used to be. Other seagulls joining in. Commuters screaming and puking everywhere. You don't see that shit on Attenborough.
If I'd known it was that fucking hungry I'd have shared my chips.
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Post by Eddie The Bastard on May 24, 2021 21:01:39 GMT
Two dear stories.
Years ago I took the family dog for a walk when he was in his prime. As he often did, he fucked off for a while. After a few minutes I heard barking and a commotion and out of the woods came a massive stag with our dog chuffed to bits chasing it.
A few years ago out on a winter morning bike ride we were treated to a massive White Hart legging it across and up a road.
Wonderful sights.
Last summer I stopped one evening ride home to watch an owl scoping a field. Really graceful.
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Post by spentcase on May 24, 2021 21:20:07 GMT
Despite the next series of tales sounding outrageous they are all gen-up true.
Whilst working in the very far north of Norway I saw a white tail eagle catching fish and also mass herds of reindeer blocking the road, I have seen moose and wolves in the wild too.
On jungle patrols near the Guatemalan border I saw a jaguar in the wild and one of the lads woke up with a bird eating spider on him.
Living in South Africa for a year or so I saw all the big five, but all of that pales in to insignificance compared to the mass duck rape that I witnessed at the Sherwood Forest Center Parks on a team building event.
There was a female duck minding her own business in the car park when all of a sudden this proper cunty drake comes down out of the sun like a luftwaffe fighter ace and lands square on her back instantly hammering away with an ass like a fiddler's elbow.
The female duck was going seriously balistic and doing the duck equivalent of shouting "fuck off you rapey cunt" in duck lingo. Anyway as soon as the horrible cunt had finished, another feathered rapist comes bombing in and does the same. It was fucking shocking.
By the time the third one jumped on I had to intervene and I chased the cunt off.
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Post by spentcase on May 24, 2021 21:22:02 GMT
Two dear stories. Years ago I took the family dog for a walk when he was in his prime. As he often did, he fucked off for a while. After a few minutes I heard barking and a commotion and out of the woods came a massive stag with our dog chuffed to bits chasing it. A few years ago out on a winter morning bike ride we were treated to a massive White Hart legging it across and up a road. Wonderful sights. Last summer I stopped one evening ride home to watch an owl scoping a field. Really graceful. Eduardo, Is your dog called Fenton? |
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Post by mekon on May 24, 2021 21:29:23 GMT
Ducks seem to be the apex rapists of the animal work. Real persistant rapists as well, will fly the whole length of the river to fire off a load.
Chimps seem to go in for the sneaky oops I seem to stuck my old chap in you approach. Proper cunts when it comes to chimp on chimp violence though
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Post by spentcase on May 24, 2021 21:46:02 GMT
Ducks seem to be the apex rapists of the animal work. Real persistant rapists as well, will fly the whole length of the river to fire off a load. Chimps seem to go in for the sneaky oops I seem to stuck my old chap in you approach. Proper cunts when it comes to chimp on chimp violence though Chimps are just fucking awful. I was sucked into liking the horrible cunts as a child by the pro chimp propaganda of Tarzan and PG Tips adverts. But once you see what they're really like then you can kiss goodbye to those childhood dreams of having a pet one and giving it backies on your grifter, the cunt would pull your arms off just to lick the flavouring out of your empty packet of snaps. |
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Post by Diego the toe clipper on May 25, 2021 6:07:21 GMT
Pidgeons are cunts too. And ducks.
Yesterday I saw two ducks trying to pull a third duck out of the sky, seriously, they were after its lunch money big time.
Before Halong Bay in Vietnam got over-polluted and spoiled we saw an asian sea eagle (never really found it if technically it was an Osprey or not) do a near vertical dive and fuck off with a big fish right in front of us. That was cool.
But the coolest thing I think I have seen was elephants in the wild. We went about 9 times to a big national park in Thailand where they still roam free and heard them loads of times but never saw any, then as our time living there was coming to an end we went again for the last time and we saw a little troop. It was like a reward. They are boring cunts though, no riding small bicycles, nor balancing on balls, all they did was walk around a bit, and poo, damn did they poo!
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Post by mekon on May 25, 2021 7:14:25 GMT
Not sure if this chimp is cunt or just a victim of stupid americans. Travis the chimp did rip her face off but at the same time maybe keeping a xanax'd chimp in the house isn't the best idea......
Chilling stuff nevertheless . Google the picture of the victim at your peril.
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Post by pantah on May 25, 2021 7:23:26 GMT
Can’t compete with Dr Spentcase and his exotic experiences but I did actually swim with Hector Dolphins off the South Island of New Zealand. Which was nice.
On the home front my direct sightings of wildlife is limited due to my canine companions lack of stealth.
A few years back i was walking my greyhound and lurcher on the beach near where I stay and one of them flushed out a rabbit and caught it. The other one joined in and grabbed it too. It was a beautiful summer evening and this old couple were sat on a log taking in the scene peacefully when my two dugs ended up right in front of them literally tearing this poor bunny apart with it screaming it’s last breath. There was no danger i could get Roger Rabbit off them and i basically had to literally disown the cunts and mutter some feeble apology to the shocked couple.
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Post by spentcase on May 25, 2021 7:24:52 GMT
Not sure if this chimp is cunt or just a victim of stupid americans. Travis the chimp did rip her face off but at the same time maybe keeping a xanax'd chimp in the house isn't the best idea...... Chilling stuff nevertheless . Google the picture of the victim at your peril. Yes fella, that whole scenario was ten colours of fucked up. It was the perfect storm, mixing the natural cuntiness of the chimp with a weird lonely American woman. I feel sorry for the victim, she wasn't even the owner. She should have shouted "unk, mangani" at the cunt when he came at her. Either that or just not go near the fucker unless she was sporting a big wheel gun chambered in 357 mag as a bare ass minimum. God chimps fucking terrify me. |
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Post by armstrongracer on May 25, 2021 7:28:10 GMT
Mizen Head, sitting on a dock wall looking out at the Atlantic having a quiet pint at the end of a long hike. Heard a repeated knocking, sound source of the noise was a sea otter bobbing up & down in the waves floating on his back cracking an urchin on his belly with a rocks in his paw. Pure Magic.
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Post by mekon on May 25, 2021 7:33:11 GMT
I've photographed many things but have still yet to capture a kingfisher. The fast flying cunts.
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Post by elnoodle the reasonable on May 25, 2021 7:49:15 GMT
Went to an elephant conservation place in Thailand a few years ago. It was a proper one that takes in rescue elephants. Not one of these shitehole gaffs that lets you ride the fat fuckers. Although we did all bathe them in a manky brown pool which, in hindsight, might have been worth avoiding.
I totally connected with this older elephant. Gave it bananas, wiped its snot off my t-shirt. There was a mutual meeting of minds as I stroked his large trunk (leave it!). And then, without any warning whatsoever, he charged over to this younger, smaller elephant and knocked absolute fuck out of it. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. We all learned something that day.
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