Herniatastic

It's my council estate upbringing.

A friend of mine had to go to hospital to get his roids squared away. He said he was moaning like fuck and thought no one had had it as bad as him. That was until a bed ridden dude on the same ward threw back the sheets to reveal what was essentially a second, angry purple, ball bag hanging out of his hoop and generously slathered in Anusol plus, high octane grape cream.
He kept himself to himself afterwards.

Right you cunts. Here goes. And this isn't even embellished for comedy. Every painful word is gospel.

Years ago I had to go for a hospital appointment for my Dukes of Argyle. The doctor was from Belfast. After examination he said "yeev gaht gredd fohr haemorrhoids."
"Grade four?" I replied. What do the grades go up to?"
"Fohr. Therr railly big fuckers."

Now, I'd had surgery on them before and that first shite after being under the knife is the most painful fucking thing you'll ever know so I wanted anything other than an operation. The other option is banding where they put little elastic bands round them so they wither and die. I was prepared to give that a go.

So I turned up for the procedure and it was a different doctor. Older cunt.
"I need your permission to have some students in" he said.
"Absofuckinglutely not" I politely replied.
"They need to learn", he pressed.
"Not a fucking chance. I've done my bit for medical science."

Clearly annoyed, he took me into the next room. His attitude had become somewhat brusque.
"On the bed. Trousers and scants down. Lie on your side with your knees to your chest."

I did what I was told. Lay there with my back to the door in the yoga pose of deep humiliation. I thought I'd heard the door go but all sorts of shite was running through my head. Wait, were those hushed voices? I turned round to be greeted by a sea of (albeit Pleasingly multicultural) young faces staring at my swollen nipsy.
"GET TAE FUCK!" I explained.

The doctor then lost HIS shit with ME!
"THEY NEED TO LEARN!"
"AH SAID GET THEM TAE FUCK!"

It wasn't going well. They all left and I was lying there, shaking with rage and stinking of fear and shame. The doctor returned with another dude who, it would transpire, was about to undertake his first ever live haemorrhoid banding. The door opened again.
"FUCK SAKE! HOW MANY MORE CUNTS HAVE GOT FUCKING TICKETS!?"
I was becoming agitated.
"Wur you looking fur the bandin' machine doactur?"
"Yes nurse, thank you."

The banding machine, which was inserted without mercy, turned out to be roughly the size of an elephant's cock but without the smooth, gentle elegance. I lay there screaming in fucking agony while the old cunt guided his young protege.
"There's one! Zap it. There's another, oops, never mind, try again..."
like Han Solo training a young Chewbacca how to use the Millennium Falcon gunning tower and I had an arse full of Tie fighters.
"Ooyah, fuckin' ah yah bast... Fuckin' stop, please fuckin' stop, aaaaah, aaaaah..."
"There's another one, zap it! Nearly. Stay calm and try again."
"FUCKIN' AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

I don't know how long the medical bumrape lasted. I do recall sitting in a lavvy cubicle afterwards, sobbing quietly with blood streaming from my savaged hoop and my poor farmers in the worst state they'd ever been. I was too traumatised to even show the nice police lady with the dolly where the bad man hurt me.

The moral of the story is look after your arsehole kids. Trust me, you'll want it onside in your twilight years.

I will now for the rest of my life, whenever discussing elephant's cocks, (which is a surprisingly regular occurrence), think of their 'smooth, gentle, elegance.'

Did they have to turn on an extractor for the engine fumes?
Apparently the NHS have their banding machines dyno'd once a month to ensure they're up to full power.

Some good reading and funny stories. Glad you are on the mend.

As for roids and blood specced stools, Get it checked. A friend had probs with roids so thought nothing of it. Last checkup, liver cancer :-(
Doing well, but his last radiation session means he can't go near anyone for 2 weeks. Has just had his first kid. He is doing well and can't atually feel anything wrong, but the writing on the wall :-(

Have had my fair share of injuries and long term pain in shoulder, knees and lower back from 30 years ago. Snowboard and skateboard injuries. Dislocated shoulder I did nothing about and jumbed a cliff, landed on arse, ice under snow, so I compressed by back. Shugged it off. 3 week later I fainted as my back locked up.

Done tonnes of physio and actupucture on both. However wasn't untill I had a scan and found out that the botton vertibrae had worn at an angle causing the muscles to compensate and piching nerves. Got better with racing motorcycle as my back got vibrated and stretched. Same for downhill skating, stretches back muscles.

I took up yoga about 3 years ago, Ashtanga, and went fully into it. I feel better now than I did 10 years ago! My shoulder has never been right, but now I hae no pain and more movement.

Knees, had 2x miniscus op on right knee, torn plc left knee and had to open up left knee to inset titanium rod after snapping my leg. Hardly any pain anymore thanks to yoga. Back snowboarding 3 time a week now. 15 years ago I had to stop due to knee pain. Remember that nearly all knee pain comes from too stiff hips. Its like trying to fold a hinge with it twisted, doesnt work. 

Anyway, get going with Ashtanga yoga. It doesn't matter that you will be the only guy. Ashtanga yoga was actully an indian soldiers training program for men. It doesn't matter how crap you are, everyone is too busy with their own problems, its pretty hard, trust me.

Lastly, nother wrong with being in a studio with young women in yoga pants :-) Find the right spot and a nice veiw when bending over.