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Post by Eddie The Bastard on Jan 28, 2021 19:08:26 GMT
I had a bit of a challenging jobbie early on today. No digging out required but it was a pulse quickener as the pressure mounted.
A couple of hours later and as I'm having a lazy mid morning slash I calmly let a fart out. It sounded too 'flappy' though. I had released something warm. Now, had that happened pretty much anywhere else I would have been in serious trouble. I could so easily have relaxed anywhere and announced incontinence.
No harm done save for some trust issues with my aris.
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Post by mekon on Jan 28, 2021 20:45:22 GMT
Did you get that protein shot off Droog?
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Post by Eddie The Bastard on Jan 28, 2021 20:52:44 GMT
I cannot confirm or deny that for legal reasons.
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Post by spentcase on Jan 29, 2021 8:16:14 GMT
It sounds like your integrity could be a bit dickie, Eduardo.
You might need a re-sleeve mate. Just shove a shoulder of ham up there and pull the bone out.
Don't worry fella it happens to us all.
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Post by Diego the toe clipper on Jan 29, 2021 8:37:59 GMT
Sorry to ask Eddie, but what washing machine detergent do you use? (asking for a friend)...
Or do you just go down to the village stream and beat your grundies on a smooth rock until the skid marks are out?
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Post by spentcase on Jan 29, 2021 8:49:34 GMT
Sorry to ask Eddie, but what washing machine detergent do you use? (asking for a friend)... Or do you just go down to the village stream and beat your grundies on a smooth rock until the skid marks are out? Probably the latter, Senor. That would explain the cholera outbreak down stream from Chez Eduardo. |
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Post by bella on Jan 29, 2021 11:49:54 GMT
Negligent discharge.
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Post by mekon on Jan 29, 2021 12:13:58 GMT
Haven't had one of those for years. Last time was when I was ill with flu or something else and my fart turned into some sort of mucus sludge in my pants.
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Post by armstrongracer on Jan 30, 2021 12:38:20 GMT
On my last epic bike ride around Spain about 15 years ago I made the mistake of ordering seafood on the Monday of a long holiday weekend. About an hour later thankfully back in my hotel room I felt the need to be violently ill. Just made it to my (thankfully) small bathroom and stuck head in the sink, Linda Blair style barfing ensued followed by stomach cramps....then the dogs of war were let slip. Fortunately due to size of said bathroom, with my head in the sink me arse was hovering roughly above the pan. Frantic fumbling then ensued to get kecks down whilst keeping head in bowl whilst the volcano below started erupting, some of it caught the lip. Next hour was spent with head in bowl and arse on seat wreching itermittently even though there was nothing left in my system, force of reching would open sphincter again, I couldn't move till it was safe. When it was finally over I had to literally peel myself off the seat as everything had dried. Fell into shower & hosed myself down. Slept for 12 hours straight & got woken by maid wanting to gain entry. Then ensued an arguement cos I wouldn't let her in but wanted cleaning stuff off her. Think she saw it as an affront that I wanted to do her job, during this negotiation I kept getting Trainspotting flashbacks which strenthened my resolve to not let her in. Was quite a few years before I ordered Gambas a la plancha again.
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Post by pantah on Jan 30, 2021 12:57:11 GMT
That’s an epic toilet tale Mr Strongracer.
Luckily you were indoors and not leathered up on the road.
That would have been a 999 situation.
I’d just like to add I’ve never shat myself and my sphincter strength is A1.
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Post by Eddie The Bastard on Jan 30, 2021 13:11:43 GMT
Seafood? Never again.
Twenty years ago, after a lunchtime prawn omelette in a Spanish beachside cafe I had my first follow through incident late into the evening.
Ten years ago I got talked into some a seaside seafood snack. I chundered a few hours later mid meal in a restaurant (not at the table) and then had to pull over a few hours later on the drive home.
Ban it.
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Post by bella on Jan 30, 2021 13:41:01 GMT
Been there too, years ago me and a young work mate had a big night out in town, pints followed by a whiskey chaser in every pub, i dont know how the fuck we got home to my house but anyway i woke up early hours naked in the bath covered in shit, easily over half of me was fake tanned, it was all over the bath, the walls, the carpet, i thought " this is a bad dream, i'll wake up later n it'll be okay ", like fuck it was my wife woke me up and i was like Ohhhh my god !!!!!!, the missus woke my mate up downstairs and sent him away in a taxi then came up and said its a re decoration job Al, i'm not having this paper staying on and the carpets a no no.
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Post by spentcase on Jan 30, 2021 13:49:38 GMT
Been there too, years ago me and a young work mate had a big night out in town, pints followed by a whiskey chaser in every pub, i dont know how the fuck we got home to my house but anyway i woke up early hours naked in the bath covered in shit, easily over half of me was fake tanned, it was all over the bath, the walls, the carpet, i thought " this is a bad dream, i'll wake up later n it'll be okay ", like fuck it was my wife woke me up and i was like Ohhhh my god !!!!!!, the missus woke my mate up downstairs and sent him away in a taxi then came up and said its a re decoration job Al, i'm not having this paper staying on and the carpets a no no. I feel your pain fella. Once the shit-genie is out of the bottle, there's no putting it back. Also there's not a single substance on earth that spreads as widely or as easily as a drunk man's shat. A single nugget of Boddingtons and doner plop the size of Mars celebrations chocolate could easily redecorate an entire 4 bedroom house |
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Post by armstrongracer on Jan 30, 2021 14:17:53 GMT
This whole nation awaits in trepadation once this Covid thing is gone. Whenever my brother comes home from UK he says it takes a full 2 weeks for his system to adapt to proper (live yeast) Irish Guinness. Many a time I've seen him tense then give a look of relief and utter those immortal words "Amber Gambler"
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Post by beefus on Jan 30, 2021 18:53:50 GMT
Me and my mate were on a Black Forest bike trip, we were staying in Seebach for a few days and doing rideouts from there. One day we were en route back to the hotel when my mates bike just stopped. So we fannied around with no fuckin idea what was wrong when my mate informed me that he needed an urgent dump, one of those that come on with no warning. He hopped into the woods next to the road and hastily unzipped his full one-piece leathers, he managed to squat down in time but unfortunately he pissed into his leathers during said dump, it was unavoidable really....could’ve been a lot worse though!!
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